😇😇RECALIBRATE 😇😇

She had so much anger and didn’t know what to do with it. As usual she never knew what to do with her anger and always kept it abay or cried it out. She just wanted to get away from it all. Leave it all behind. She didn’t want this anger she was feeling, so she began to laugh.

Nothing was funny, but that was the only way she could dispel this anger, she laughed it off. She was so emotional and people would always make her feel little of herself and whatever she chose to do. She was never enough, she never got it right, never did anything appropriately. Not like she didn’t know how to do it, she just never did it enough to please people or satisfy them, because to them she never did it their way or on their own terms. 

Their ways were always right, hers was always wrong. She never did anything by the book, that was her method of survival, but they just never understood this. She never eats their way, drinks their way, sleeps when they want her to, dresses how they want her to, talk how they want her to. She just was never enough.

But she wanted to live her own life, be her own person and not be part of a stereotype. She just wanted to breathe and enjoy the good things life had to offer, even when she knew she was dying inside because she was sick and it would not take long before she would pass because she had a terminal illness.

She was tired of living in a box all the days of her life, she was falling and she was falling deep. She needed to talk to someone, she needed to live life fulfilling her way, it was at this point the tears free falling came down. She never had a normal childhood like other kids, because she was always unhealthy. 

She grew and thought it would be better, but nothing changed, it remained the same! The freaking same! It was always what would people think? Never, do you enjoy it? Always be like your siblings! Never be your own person! It was always do this and never have you tried doing it another way? Or don’t you think this other way is preferable?

She never had options! Never! And it was always what would you do when you are married? What if she never wanted to get married? What if, just what if, for one split second she just wanted to be a child, because she never really had the opportunity to be one? What if she really wanted to play by her rules even if it was just going to be for 24 hours?

She swore every time that it didn’t matter and she was going to do what she wanted to do, even if she had to keep pushing against the entire world, but every time, they broke her even more with their hurtful actions and words, she could deal with the stares, but the words, it was always the words. She wanted to be loved and valued her way, but I guess she was destined to die a loner.

And if it took all from her, she was ready to die alone, rather than die at a table where she was never going to be enough for wanting to live her life, by her rules.

She sniffed, dried her eyes, laughed some more and said, SHE WOULD NEVER LET ANYTHING STEAL HER JOY!

So she was going to recalibrate, dream bigger and dare to live some more, because she deserved it! And she was not going to let anyone cheat her of a fulfilling life.

Ibi Divine Doo